


Always

by VanityToAshes



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Heartbreak, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Indoctrination Theory, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-06-12 11:11:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15338619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VanityToAshes/pseuds/VanityToAshes
Summary: Heroes rarely get the ending they deserve.Where there is no choice; no other way.It wasn't supposed to end like this..





	Always

**Author's Note:**

> All suggestions are welcome, and comments and kudos are greatly appreciated! n_n <3

**~Always~**

 

They say true love never fades, and if you truly love someone, you let them go.

Kaidan would fight tooth and nail to hold on to who he loves, until his dying breath, 'til death do us part.’

To hell with what "they" say.  
  
At least.. that's what he thought..

...

The changes were subtle at first.

Words that would slip out during conversation, seemingly brushed off or go unnoticed. Things Shepard would say that only a perceptive friend might sense wasn't quite right.

The lingering stares at nothing in particular, for moments too long.

Darkened rings under tired eyes from sleepless nights filled by nightmares, to the point he didn't sleep anymore.

Pale skin and frail physique, a result of food often left or forgotten, he no longer ate.

His usual temperance and diplomacy, slowly chipped away until all that remained was an itchy trigger-finger and insatiable rage.

He was becoming a machine.

The reapers became an obsession, one that was slowly, but surely, consuming him.

No one noticed until it was too late.. until Shepard was too far gone.

 _“We’re losing him, Major.”_ Hackett admits grimly, _“We need you to keep a close eye on him. Keep him focused for as long as you can.”_ his voice softens, _“You know what will need to be done, son. And when that time comes, it's best if it's done by your hand alone.”_

____________

_“Stop it.”_

_“Stop it!”_

_“Stopit!”_

_“Stopitstopitstopit_ ** _STOPIT_** _!”_ He would cry out, his hands pressed hard against his ears in fruitless attempt to stop the deafening wails of the once whispered voices, now festered and grown, constricting as an undying weed, eventually drowning out anything coherent.

He would strike his head against the wall once, twice, thrice, seven times.

“Help me.. somebody.. anybody..” he would beg, succumbing to the darkness and pain devouring him..

Until all he could feel was the warm embrace of Kaidan’s body, hear the rhythm of Kaidan’s steady heartbeat, his gentle words of love and promise, the tickle of Kaidan’s stubble against his skin, the dampness of his tear stained cheeks, spilling his own sorrow, watching helplessly as Shepard falls apart before him, losing himself to insanity.

_“We're losing him.”_

_“We're losing him.”_

_I'm_ losing him.

Those three words would echo in Kaidan’s mind as he held John close, enveloped in his loving arms while he slowly rocked him to comfort.

____________

“It's beautiful.” Shepard says, in a moment of clarity.

Soft colours of yellow, orange and pink paint the sky, the setting sun casting its reflection in the rippling waves over the vast, calm, deep-blue ocean. The gentle breeze carries the scent of sand and salt. The calming sound of the evening tide, caressing its waters over golden sand; a scene of serenity.

____________

_“If you could be anywhere in the universe, or see someplace one last time, where would you choose?” Kaidan asks._

_“The ocean.” Shepard responds._

____________

“Yeah.. it really is.” Says Kaidan softly, his voice straining against the lump in his throat. He draws out the inevitable, for as long as he can.

The ocean reminds Kaidan of meaningful glances that once held warmth, love and saddened hope; hope of promises past. Kaidan's own honey-brown hues soaking in enticing sapphire orbs.

Sapphire now tainted, no longer resembling Shepard’s own.

“Do it.” Shepard says, “Do it while I'm still me.” Kaidan knows it's an order, an acceptance of cruel fate, “Don't let them take me. Don't let them win.”

 

… They already have.

____________

 _“I love you.”_ Kaidan would say, as he held John tight, savouring every kiss, memorising every curve and scar, treasuring every moment as they made love, holding on like every time was their last. He could never get enough.

It isn't fair.

He would tell him he loved him, over and over again, etching the words into stone. Leaving no room for doubt to seep its ugly head inside and crack it's foundation.

Shepard painted his skies, bursting forth with all the vivid colours of the world. Blazing, burning intense like a thousand suns. Breathtaking as a clear night sky, adorned with a billion, brilliant stars.

John Shepard is the centre of it all. Kaidan’s heart, his life, his _reason_.

The very essence of his universe.

____________

Kaidan’s whole body is shaking, he aims the gun behind Shepard’s head, his grip unsteady. He can't miss. He can't let him suffer. He _won't_.

“I love you, John.” He croaks, his voice broken, thick with emotion. He lets out a shaky breath, the unceasing shedding of tears, falling down his anguished face, the salty sting insignificant compared to the breach in his heart. His soul slipping away; vanishing, in its final moments before it dies with Shepard’s own. He whispers, “Always.”

 

... and pulls the trigger.

 

Now... his universe is empty.

 

**~End~**


End file.
